Parenting a Middle Schooler

Parenting a Middle Schooler

Parenting a middle school-aged daughter is incredibly difficult for me. When she was little, I always thought it would be easy, and we would have the best communication and relationship. I expected to understand and listen without an opinion. I just thought I’d breeze through this with very little if any, difficulty… and then my daughter became a pre-teen. She started to hide things, tell small lies, and have an attitude that was otherworldly. It all began so slowly that it seemed like I barely noticed until suddenly, it all compounded and hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe I’m a bad mom. Maybe I’m not cut out for this. Am I doing her a disservice? Does she hate me? Wait, no… I’m great. She’s the bad one. She’s the one who lied. Do I even know who she is anymore? Oh my gosh… I’m losing my mind. Why is this so hard?

When I had my daughter at 18, I assumed we would be super close. Obviously, I was going to be the perfect mom. We were going to be incredibly close and have no secrets. It would be her and I, and we’d take over the world together. As she has gotten older, we have remained incredibly close in many ways, but we’ve also drifted apart in some ways as well. She has lots of friends and spends her time on the phone with them or practicing with her soccer team. If she has a free day on the weekend, she wants to hang out with her friend or go to the mall. She’s just growing up fast, and it seems like it happened out of nowhere. Because she’s a middle schooler, we’ve had to have a conversation about social media. Most of her friends have some sort of social media account, whether that’s Instagram, TikTok, Snapchat, or some other version. As the year began, I asked her if she was interested in having an account, but she promised me that she didn’t want an account of any sort. I guess that is until she decided she wanted one and created one without me… She first created an Instagram. Because she’s 12, it took about three days for us to realize it and find her account, mostly because she was a recommended person to follow on Instagram. When we found the Instagram, we asked her, “Are there any other accounts?” Her answer was a resounding “No”. We continued to ask and reminded her that we would find them, but she continued to lie… that is, until we found the rest of them. A TikTok, Snapchat, and a YouTube channel.

Of course, her world completely stopped rotating when we found out, and I lost my mind. There was yelling and crying and complete devastation from both sides. Mine from feeling like I had failed as a parent, hers from feeling like I would never give her back anything she loved (mostly her phone). It felt as if every decision I made as her mother was about to come under scrutiny. Why did she lie to me? Was I too harsh on prior disciplinary choices? Was I too lenient and carefree? Did she think I wouldn’t find them? Why wouldn’t she just tell me she wanted an account like her friends? I couldn’t wrap my mind around the why, and to be honest, right after it happened, I didn’t want to. I was pissed and angry but also sad and devastated. I was going to have to completely rebuild our trust and the entire relationship. It took about two days for me to really sit with her and talk out our feelings, and it was eye-opening for me.

I started the conversation by telling her how important it was to communicate and tell the truth and that I would do the same with her. I always want my children to respect others, but I want them to be respected and heard as well, so I made it clear that I would do that without getting emotional if she could do the same with me. I started with a really simple, easy question. I definitely wanted to get into the main issue, but I didn’t want my daughter to feel overwhelmed. My first question was “Why did you create an Instagram?”. I think that she was shocked by my question, which prompted a very honest answer which was, “I was sick of being the only kid in the 7th grade to now have a social media account, and I didn’t want to be made fun of anymore”. Woah, what?! I must’ve looked at her very confused because she then said, “It’s not a big deal, but I made one, and my friends stopped.” It felt like a very big deal to me. As I continued to ask very basic and simple questions, she continued to answer them honestly, and I did the same. We both talked about what social media is, the benefits, the pitfalls, the problems with security, and having things viewable by the public. It opened up a really great conversation about middle school and bullying and what it means to fit in, and is fitting in “worth it.” It allowed both of us to sit back and redefine our relationship, with her being an almost teenager and me being the parent of one. She’s no longer my “little girl.” She’s growing up and exploring herself and relationships with people. I felt that it was my motherly duty to change my tune in the conversation.

We sat for about an hour and discussed the importance of good friends. The importance of telling the truth and how it’s not always the easy choice, but it’s definitely the right one. We spoke about safety and about how my one main job as her mother is to keep her safe and how important it was that she allowed me to do my job. We cried we laughed, and I told her stories of my own weird, uncool middle school moments that I had forgotten until I was brought back to those terrible, stressful, overwhelming times. It was a breakdown and a buildup that I didn’t realize I needed. That she needed. It was hard and beautiful, and I’m not ready for another one of those for at least two more years, but it was growth for both of us. We both were able to come together at the end, though, and agree on a few points.

Middle School Sucks: It doesn’t matter what decade you go through it. It’s horrible, but you will make it through, I promise.

Parenting is Hard: We both agreed, and she told me I was a great parent and she felt lucky to have me as her mom… woah, parenting win right there.

Good Friends are Important: I lean on my best friends in these hard parenting moments, and my daughter was able to talk to her best friend and have support. It was nice for us both to have someone in our corners.

The biggest blessing was that our relationship was able to grow, and we were able to express our love for each other. It was as if this big argument and issue forced us to communicate on a deeper level and realize that even though we had both changed in the last ten years, our love for each other had only grown. But you know what hasn’t grown? Neither her social media followers nor her texting skills… because she’s still officially grounded until after the holidays. Sorry girl but you still lied. Feel free to text me how much you love me since I’m the only one you can talk to for the next 6 weeks!